I can't decide whether to use the phrase "I have to leave for Portland in 1 month." or "I get to leave for Portland in 1 month!" At the beginning of the summer, I felt I had come to my own little bubble of beauty. No bills for a few months, gorgeous country scenery. No superficial friendships around to have to pretend to want to be a part of. (Sorry, does that sound cynical?) A kind of clean slate here, with two of my favorite people. A chance to help my nephews and niece through their diet and get to know them better. Maybe take up tennis.
Well friends, as we all have experienced that feeling as summer comes to a wind-down, it doesn't matter the enthusiasm that you bring with you at the beginning of the season, time goes by wildly fast, and things just often don't go as hoped. Let's just say that along with other bumps in that road, I've had to accept that my nephews aren't my own kids, and I can't influence their lives as much as I want to, and that I only got three lessons into tennis...Regardless of the let-down moments that any summer has, things have still gotten along just fine. I can work on my back-swing later anyway.
This week has been a little challenging.
I am feeling a little alone-time starved. And by a little...I mean a sh*t ton.
Some things that I know in my heart that are true about myself are that I am a very compassionate and generous person with a heart that just wants to love and care for everyone. But sometimes at the expense of my own self. Some wisdom that we all remember I learned back in Thailand (and am re-remembering here in Idaho) is that all those good qualities I have can run dry pretty quickly if I don't have time alone. Nothing fancy, no need to hop on a plane to an exotic country or anything (although if the need is ignored long enough, I have been to known to do that...), just a quiet morning or afternoon here or there, where I can wake up and just sit alone, perhaps with my choice of music and a good cup of coffee. With two parents who have basically the summer off, and a sweet 93 year old great grandmother who has been staying with us for a good chunk of my time home, I think I can count those alone mornings and afternoons one one hand.
Uhhhhg, how I long for them.
I take comfort in the fact that I am not in the position of "having to live with my parents" for reasons like being a broke graduate, an option-less divorcee, or some other bleak life circumstance that has no concrete end date in sight. I do have an end date in sight, and I am doing my best to just sit back and relax while I can.
I have a hard time doing that, I've noticed. Sitting back, relaxing...because in my mind, I am always aware that less relaxing times are around the corner and I should probably be preparing for them. It's that whole living-in-the-moment stuff that I chased around trying to figure out on the other side of the world, and that every person and their dog is trying to figure out in their 20s...and 30s..and oh God will I be doing this forever? Dear Buddha, please no.
 |
| Relaxed: My ultimate dream. (Just do it, dude.) |
Well, let's end on a positive note, shall we? Cause I am surrounded by warm and fuzzy stuff here, and I think it would be appropriate to make a tiny list of said happy things:
-The garden is at the point where it is ceaselessly dumping gorgeous and delicious produce on us every day.
-I went on a beautiful bike ride to a country road I have never seen in all my years of growing up in this house. It was absolutely wonderful and gave me a new perspective of where I grew up.
-I have parents that would put some of your friends (and my friends) to shame. Seriously, that are amazing. Regardless of people not believing me that both my parents and I are happy that I have been living at home, we kind of laugh at that and smirk at the fact that we are lucky to be so close.
-Although I have had some seriously lonely times being mostly friend-less here (at times when parents just don't quite cut it), loneliness is an emotion that has value and I am grateful to have had enough loving people in my life at times to have feelings of loneliness sometimes.
-I have successfully begun my break from Facebook as of the first of this month. One week in, and although it's hard at those lonely moments of wanting to feel connected, I can really appreciate the relief of not checking it in the morning and anticipating giving two cents about what other people have going on. It makes communication more challenging, but isn't that kind of the beauty of it? So far, so good :)
-I have been able to pay off and save up some money being here. Hooray!
-Working at the brewery has been really wonderful, I am so fortunate to have gotten that job and work with people that I like. I will be sad to leave it.
- I am pretty excited to return to school in the fall with an actual objective in mind. Ok, like beyond excited.
- I can so appreciate why people stay in their hometowns.
-Last, but not least, I am grateful that this time has reminded me of why I would like to not stay in my hometown. <3
 |
| It's been a beautiful summer. |
