Back to the City

2/24/2013

I have been at the farm for one week. I have enjoyed the people I have been with, we have made this a fun experience for all of us. But I have had a feeling over my head this week that just hasn’t given me what I wanted during my time here. I have felt a little separated, not by others, but by my own place in my mind. I have been searching for a little room for my spirituality while here, but have not found it. I am just realizing tonight that the problem has simply been that I am not in the right place for that for me. I haven’t been surrounded by people who have brought that out in me here. It hasn’t been that others have made me feel bad, but it’s just simply that my spirituality is not here.

I talked to a woman tonight who just came to the farm yesterday. Her name is Danielle and she is from Romania. You can immediately tell that she has a heart of gold and has a lot of love to give. I didn’t speak much to her yesterday, but tonight after dinner me and her and a couple other people were sitting around having tea and she was speaking about her time in India at an ashram. I have always wanted to spend time in an ashram and really love hearing about people’s experiences in their travels. After she showed us some pictures, the other people went inside and I was able to speak one on one with her about her spirituality and her time in India and her experience with meditation. She brought that feeling back. The one that I had in Pai with Caroline. A feeling of the world being an open book for me to experience, the world being a place to find yourself. I am so happy to have talked to her and to have made that connection with someone again. My heart feels right again and I am ready to move forward on my journey. I will go to the forest monastery next week and commit a week of my time there to strengthen my meditation and spiritual practice. 

I have been doing something interesting the last few weeks. When I really need some help from the universe, I have been finding myself literally asking for it. I will take a few minutes to stop my worrying, and simply think about what it is that I am needing, and say:

 "Dear Universe: I really need to feel okay tonight about being alone. Please help that happen for me."

 or 

"Dear Universe: I would really like to find some company today. Please bring good people to me."

And it always delivers.

I am now asking the Universe to please give me some clarity during my time at the monastery about what I am supposed to do next. Am I supposed to really be gone from home for a year? Six months? Three months? Some days, I just can't tell at all where my time here is going.  And that's okay, I don't always want to know what the world has in store for me. In fact, every time I get on a bus to go somewhere new here, I always get off the bus thinking "Damn, if I had any idea how rough that ride would have been, I probably wouldn't have had the guts to get on it." I always get on those buses with a big smile on my face and loads of optimism about where I am going. By the time I get off, I am always a little soured. So, it's good to be left in the dark about our future sometimes...

On a quick side note, I met an Australian guy in Pai who took my picture at Mam's Yoga place with his really nice camera and I wanted to share :)