The Third Chapter: Portland

AaaaarrrRRRgggggBBBLlleEEEhhhhhhUuuuuuGGGG.

That's the sound I feel like making. And if anyone were around to appreciate the angsty-frustratingly wonderful noise all those letters make when coming out of my mouth, I would say it out loud. But there is nobody at home, so typing it is the next best thing.

I have been back in Portland for nearly 4 weeks. Lots of things have happened. Multiple weddings have happened. Multiple engagements have happened. I am still looking for a job. And I ended my relationship.

Now, this blog is read by who-the-hell-knows. I know some percentage of readers are people who I don't necessarily feel like spilling my guts to about personal details of my life that I am not yet ready to divulge to the public. The previous sentence is dumb, because it sort of takes the journal-like quality out of my blog, and to me, that is the heart of the writing I do on here. However, the stance both David and I have taken on our break up is this: the people who matter will ask. We don't need to seek people out and tell them. We don't need to blast it on Facebook. There aren't many people in our lives outside of family who we felt the need to seek out and tell, and unless we have found ourselves in situations where it feels appropriate to share it, we haven't. Sometimes it feels like people like to have a big juicy story to go along with people's break-ups. We don't really have one. Life is a big ball of weird, and that's all I have to tell you.

A big part of my growth in the last year is figuring out how to get all the insincere, superficial and selfish friendships out of my life. The people who only talk to you when they want something from you, the people who can spend an entire afternoon blabbing about their lives and never ask you how you are doing. The people who take take take, and rarely give back. The people who greeted me when I returned home from Thailand with nothing but stories of themselves, hardly asking anything at all about my year. I gotten some of those people out of my life. And you know what I found? That doesn't leave many people left. It's a little bit strange pulling all those relationships out of your life, and looking around and realizing that there aren't many people left worth keeping. It's also an absolutely fantastic feeling being free from having to give your energy to those people anymore. My energy is MINE. It's good energy, it's loving energy, it's vibrant energy. People need to earn that from me. I no longer feel the need to throw my energy out there, hoping that somebody, anybody, will take it and give me some of theirs.

FUCK. That is WONDERFUL, isn't it?

Portland doesn't have my heart anymore. I have accepted it. I am not happy being here, but I am happy to have some things here that I didn't have in other places. I am starting school in two weeks to become a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner. I had a brief time this month where I decided I wasn't going to do the program, and I am now officially enrolled. I am excited again and that is nice. My plan right now is to be getting my first ever friend roommate by November at the latest. I am nervous like WOAH, because this is a friendship that I don't want to lose over who didn't clean the toilet, but I am also excited because new experiences have brought me lots of good things this year, and I believe this will be one of them.

By December, this year will have been almost exactly 1/3 Thailand, 1/3 Idaho, and 1/3 Oregon. So far, the first two thirds of the year have always started off bumpy and terrifying and hard. And this one has proved to start the same. But I am already almost a month in and I know in my heart that everything will smooth itself out. It always has. I am a lucky girl with people who love me and I am fortunate to have gotten to have this year be so diverse and beautiful.