My Ego

I want to start this entry with a loose explanation of what the Ego is. I am quite sure that I am not an expert, but what I have learned is playing a key role in my self journey here. My Ego is what has kept me in a constant state of searching in my life. It is what gives me that brief feeling of happiness after a day of shopping. It was what kept me in a constant battle with my body and self image growing up, always thinking that if I could just attain that one last attribute of a 'beautiful person' then I would finally be happy. It was what made me envious of everyone around me for having this or looking like that or acting in a way that was different from me. My Ego has made me a confused and ultimately unhappy person on and off for a long time. The problem with being troubled is that, if you don't understand the problem, you can never find a solution.

My understanding of the cause of my unhappiness first began to show itself two years ago, after a trip alone to Hawaii to visit a friend for two weeks. It was a wonderful trip, and it was where I first fell in love with yoga, and became close with this friend. Both of those things continued to inspire me after I went back home to Oregon.

The problem with the Ego is that it wants to remain in control. It wants you to gain a sense of self security though material things. It gives you the illusion that you are a complete individual and that you have complete control over your life. It wants you to be on a constant chase for that new outfit, that new diet, that job promotion, that perfect hair color. It gives you a false sense of happiness that can never be attained for long. It takes constant maintenance and energy to upkeep, and is based on the idea that you are imperfect without all of those things that make you happy. It gives you the illusion that you need  them to become a good person.

I am learning some things about myself here on this trip- one of which is that I have a very strong Ego. My ego is almost as strong as my heart, but not quite. If my Ego was stronger than my heart, I truly don't think I would have made it to Thailand. But they are a close match in strength, so I find myself struggling between the two quite often. The bad news for my Ego is that I know what it feels like to be spiritually blissful now, and there is no going back once you know what that feels like. I have had moments of absolute love in my heart, with no consideration of time, money, or outside sources. Moments that were not brought by other people, not family, not boyfriends, not haircuts, not clothes. These moments came absolutely from within myself. I found those feelings with the help of yoga and meditation, but I am so aware that those things are not the cause. I am the cause. I am the factory of all that love and happiness.

Ok, don't think I have gone off the deep end here and have- as my parents sometimes joke- drank the koolaid. I realize that from where you all sit, this might sound a little wacky. And that is okay. I am ok with being that person who comes off a little kooky sometimes,  because it is me. I am that person. And I hope everyone gets a chance to feel these things, because I know that everyone has it in them too. It is the most beautiful feeling I have ever had, to finally feel at peace with my insecurities, and to see myself as already being perfect as I am.

I will put up a post here soon with pictures and more storytelling, I know that is what people like to read about and see. I do hope my sharing of my spiritual journey is good for people to hear too, because that is what I am here for. Elephants and waterfalls are kind of just a really big bonus in all that, and I am really happy to have people to share that with too. :)