Refresh.

I was the happy recipient of three emails in the last couple of days. One email reminded me that I am a dearly loved friend to someone, the next reminded me that my family is cheering me on and that the comforts of home are still there for me, and the last one reminded me that the happy adventurous person that I came here to be is free to just be.
So...
Today I am going to try and tweak a few things in my "normal" "routine." I say both of those words very loosely because I no longer have a normal or routine in my physical day. I do, however, have one one in my mental day.
 I have been waking up, checking my computer immediately for reassurance in any form, be it email, facebook, or my blog. I skype with my parents and usually David. I usually close my computer hungry for more reassurance, despite the fact that I usually get showered with it during video calls. I get ready for the day. I head out into the world and eat. It's been the thing I look forward to most in my day. Every meal, so excited. But I don't really enjoy it in the moment, and once I've eaten whatever it is, I am hungry for more. I am starting to realize that I am not really tasting what I am eating. Which tell me that I am emotionally eating. Probably looking for more reassurance.

Anyway, by the end of the day, I still feel depleted and usually end up feeling quite sad. I am tired but don't let myself sleep until past midnight. I skype once again with David and my parents, and often end up exhausted from my day of emotional searching and cry. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I see that this pattern of looking for comfort is not comforting me at all. It's also making it really hard for me to be present in any moment of my day, when I keep hoping the next moment will bring me an answer. So here's the plan:

No more listening to the saddest most cry-assisting music I can find on my ipod. You know that feeling when you were in high school, and it kind of felt good to find music that made you cry about your bad breakup or your fights with your parents? Yeah, it doesn't feel good after three weeks. Enough of that.

Happy music.

I also am finding it hard to be on the computer without searching. I think we all know the feeling of getting sucked into the web, me and Dave would call it getting "stuck." If one of us went to the computer to look up something for a recipe real quick and fifteen minutes later was obviously completely glass eyed on the screen, we would say "Honey did you get stuck? Come BaaaaaaAAAaaccccKKKK to me!" Anyway, I find myself getting stuck, but with no one here to get me unstuck except for the band of 39857 roosters outside my room. So. I would like to read more. Reading always leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment, it leaves me feeling wiser about myself and the world.

Read more.

I am a fast eater. I mean, really. Always have been. I have slowed down quite a bit since I arrived, mostly to avoid shame around my foreign friends who could eat a plate of pad thai for an hour. I am going back to that wonderful old rule of putting your fork (or chopsticks) (or little wooden spear used to eat sliced fruit) down between bites. Maybe not literally, since I am rarely surrounded by sanitary surfaces, but I really want to taste my food.

Slow the hell down.

So, with a sunnier outlook for the day, I am going to shower and go find some coffee and start on that reading business. Thank you for the love, my loves. <3
-H