30 hours into my meditation retreat, and I am already being
shown how stubborn my ego still is. I arrived yesterday afternoon around 4pm.
After a beautiful but absolutely sweltering 1 mile walk from the bus stop with
three Russians, we were given the rules (which are quite relaxed compared to
almost all the other retreats I was checking out) and told to relax until
meditation at 6. I did pretty good last night and this morning, but this
afternoon and night have been quite tough. The schedule here goes something
like this:
5am- Wake up and meditate on your own in your room.
6:30- Meet at dining hall and have rice offering ceremony to
the monks.
7:00 Breakfast!
8:30-10:30 Morning meditation: walking, sitting, and laying
11:00-Lunch! (There is no dinner, no eating after noon)
1:00-3:00pm Afternoon meditation: walking, sitting, and
laying
4:00-5:00 Monastery cleaning (sweeping, cleaning, helping)
6:30-8:30 Evening chanting and meditation
9:00-10:00 Personal meditation in room
Bed.
So, let me break a few of these things down. First of all,
it seems getting up at 5 is pretty optional, nobody is going to make you
meditate in your room, and for me personally, 6 hours of meditation a day is
proving difficult enough, I don’t feel the calling to add an extra hour before
and after my day just yet. Most people wake up at 6. The food here is pretty
good, traditional Thai stuff like rice and various vegetable dishes (it’s all
vegetarian). All day we are welcome to tea, coffee, and cocoa. That’s right,
coffee and cocoa are cool here. After today, I realize that it’s because it is
downright difficult to stay lively and awake when sitting so many hours a day
when you don’t eat after 11 am. Any hours not accounted for in the above
schedule are do-what-you-like hours. Today I read and took some pictures in the
morning. OH by the way, I just need to add that this is one of the most
beautiful places I have ever been. We are snuggled between two towering
mountains with ponds and wonderful smelling shrubbery and flowers. The pictures
can’t possibly do it justice, but I can do my best to show you…
Walking meditation is a new one for me. It basically
consists of all of us in our white outfits to form a line (boys first, girls
after) and follow a monk in various patterns around the property walking
vvveeeerrryyy slllowwwwlllyy. As in steps that take 5 seconds each. And I don’t
mean 1,2,3,4,5. I mean 1-one thousand 2-one thousand, 3-one thousand, etc. Go
ahead and try that out and see how incredibly unnatural that feels. AT FIRST.
But after one solid hour of it (yes that’s right), it actually does sort of put
you in a trance. A meditative trance, in fact.
We are given a mantra to say in our heads on the inhale and exhale of
each step, and I can’t help but feel that we are a bunch of white zombies
walking across the grounds when we do this. But it’s great.
 |
| The monk leading our morning walking meditation. |
This morning I was able to get quite deep into my laying
meditation, but the afternoon was freaking hot and I felt considerably more
sour and grouchy from the heat than I did in the morning. When we switched to
the laying meditation, I was prepared to get all into it again like in the
morning, but when I opened my eyes, my face went into complete discomfort and
stayed that way for most of the 40 minutes. This was due to the GIANT spider that
was cleaning each of it’s 230985 legs while balancing in its web. Folks, this
is the stuff my nightmares are made of. Luckily it wasn’t exactly above me,
about two people over. And all I could think was “DEAR GOD MAN OPEN YOUR EYES-
HOW CAN YOU MEDITATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?? That spider will be there tomorrow
too. UUUHG.
But HaLee, you are in Thailand. How could you let a spider
ruin your inner peace after you’ve come so far?? If you aren’t already thinking
that, trust me, I did. But let me just go ahead and show you what these spiders
look like, because there is also one right outside the evening meditation
building that we all get to look at on our way to our beds at night. They also
reside in several of the trees here. And now, they will reside in my dreams and
haunt me until the end of time:
Also, there is a bird or a ghost or something that is making
the most frightening noise about once every 20 minutes here in my room. Enough
to make me jump out of my skin.
OK OK OK SELF. Calm
down. I know you were bitten by 5 fire ants today, and you saw that spider, and
all the coffee you drank is making you so on edge. CALM DOWN I SAY.
Meditation tonight was just so out of the question. I tried.
I really did. But I ended up spending the hour of darkness sitting with all my
fellow meditators just hating myself for sitting there with a storm cloud over
my head. Hating, and then opening my heart and letting in pure love. And then
hating. And then pure love. And so on. I also had a stomach ache tonight and
wasn’t sure if I needed to barf or not, so I am going to try again tomorrow
with the whole love part, minus the self-loathing. ANTS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE I AM IN BED FOR
#$)%* SAKE!!!
Goodnight loves,
H
I am exhausted and I still have 6 more days. I knew this
would be hard, and I know I can do this.
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